I had such a good time last weekend in Koh Chang, so much fun. Since about Sunday, though, I have not been that happy at all. FEeling just a little bit out of it, and today and yesterday I felt very very sad, though a really strange sort of sad. Kind of like I am waiting for something to happen that has not happened. Definitely more rootless and lost than I have ever felt before, which is bizzare considering I have lived in so many places. Something about Bangkok, being with all these other exchange students has left me feeling lost. No one, asides from Michelle, really knows me well, and I have to admit that I have not really made enough of an effort with that many people. I mena, sure, I will go out and party with them, but as for making an effort to hang out and go for dinner, I prefer to go by myself rather than have to make small talk. Small talk is okay, but I think it irritates me a bit, and I am often surprised by the things I decide to talk to Dutchman, and others about. I am glad I am taking Thai language classes, becuase I think it is helping, though I am not praciting that much. I went out last night and drank, which I think can cause someone to get depressed, because, after all, alcohol is a depressant. I feel a bit lost here, and think I am going to go to Pizza Hut. I figure if there is one thing that can make you feel comfortable, it is food from home. We will see how it tastes- McDonalds here is completly weird, and the meat tastes very strange. I am reading, "Forget You Have A Daughter," written by that British girl, Sandra, who was senteced to 25 years in Bangkok for trafficking drugs out of Thailand. The story, I am sure, is doing nothing to help me feel better about being here. I tis a good read though, I am almost done. Was thinking that there is no way I want to continue here for the next 7 or so months, especially since I am frusterated that I can not get a job here, that would help take away a lot of stress I am feeling. I mean, it is such a love/hate relationship, but I relaly feel as if I am not very happy these last few days. Midterms soon, but I am having a lot of trouble focusing, and have been crying (which is something I rarely do.) I really do love Bangkok, and I did go out today to a nice dinner with a nice person, and we walked in the market and such, after having breakfast with the Dutchman. I think, also, I am quite sick for a home that does not exisit (as I do not have any personal belongings at home, as I gave them all away) anymore. I had ginger ale this morning, because I have a bit of a head cold that I cannot seem to kick, and I was so homesick. So Canadian, drinking ginger ale when you get sick. It makes me miss my childhood, very very much. Especially Edmonton, I think of Edmonton a lot this week. I have been writing a lot, which is good for me. It is really hard sometimes because yoga is the one thing that keeps me sane, but I have not really found a place I feel comfortbale doing it here, though I am making an effort to work out often, though not near as much as last year. I am thinking that taking a break from alcohol could really help, but it is challenging given the fact that it seems to be the norm for a great deal of people, not that it has to be the norm for me. I am going to look into clubs on campus, I do feel very constrained here in a lot of ways. I think I might try to teach English here, thoguh I need to look into the rules if I choose to work here, because I do not want to accidently make a mistake and end up in the Bangkok Hilton or any such matter. Sigh, I am exhausted, I think. Just a little bit too much of everything this week. Strugglig with new relationship type thing, feel very far from home.

On a happy note, you can get green tea smooties with bubble tea for 10bht. Just down the street. I love bubble tea. I drink most of my calories here, I swear, because of the yummy ice coffee, and the bubble tea. Maybe I need to do a detox or something. Or go away to nice tropical island or something. Hah. Just definitely, definitely not happy Stef this week, which is hard, I think for spending time with Dutchman.

Maybe I will go to a movie tonight. Or watch one. Only 100bht/DVD. Like $3. Or study, I should study. I have no idea why I am procrastinating such.

It'll pass, all feelings do.  ¶ 6:20 PM